Tuesday, September 9, 2008

Read this before tomorrow!

The bad news is that when the Large Hadron Collider is turned on tomorrow it may create a black hole which will swallow the earth, or it may make this whole universe not be.

The good news is that if it destroys this universe your infinite number of other selves will go on living in all the other universes where they live.

The really bad news is that if it makes the universe not be there won't be a sound and light show.
The sort of good news is that if it creates a black hole which swallows the earth you'll be around forever to hear and see the sound and light show, but you'll be getting kind of stretchy. Everyone else will also get stretchy, but you won't notice because they'll be sucked in so fast. On the other hand they will also be around forever, except they won't see you get stretchy because you'll be sucked in so fast.

I'd go on, but understanding the relativity bit and the time thing and stretchy thing at the event horizon of a black hole is way above my pay grade. So you ought to take the above with a grain or two of salt. But take the grain of salt today, because tomorrow it could get sucked down into the black hole so fast you won't be able to taste it, even with your gynormously stretchy chameleon tongue.


Update - September 11
If you're reading this and your computer screen isn't very long and stretchy, the Large Hadron Collider has not destroyed the universe, nor has it created a black hole which swallowed the earth - yet. And you shouldn't be too paranoid even if you hear that the very big brained scientists who will be playing with it like it was a very big super soaker water gun believe with all their hearts that my frog can be in two places at the same time, and, that while he is occupying two separate lilypads in the space time continuuuuum, so to speak, his two little web footed doppelgangers can croak insults to one another instantaneously by, like, cosmic mental telepathy, no matter how far apart the lily pads are.

Another reason you shouldn't worry is that very famous celebrities believe you shouldn't worry. http://www.thespoof.com/news/spoof.cfm?headline=s5i40245


Anonymous said...

How does one prepare for such a journey? Does one make travel arrangements? Who will water my plants? I guess I should make a point of wearing spandex clothing so that it stretches along with me.



Sully said...

Your plants will go with you and will never need water although they will perceive the journey as endless also. Spandex is a very good idea, wish I'd thought of the clothing issue before writing the post.